I've been with my boyfriend for about three years, and I don't feel like I'm the same person I was before I met him. I don't know where I end and where he begins. As you move towards marriage is it okay to blend our lives into one?

"You" and "me" becoming "we" is an important part of the process of falling in love. However, there is a critical distinction to be made between "blending lives" and what I will call "blending selves." We could also call this the distinction between "interdependence" vs. "enmeshment."

Aspects of your lives will blend as you approach marriage - external boundaries will begin to flex such that you make decisions in the knowledge that you impact another person. Should I take this job in Chicago when his job is in L.A.? How will my decision to go to grad school impact our ability to pay off our undergraduate loans? Will she prefer Thai or Chinese this evening? This is normal and healthy as you move toward interdependence. Responsible partners understand that their decisions affect their partners and can no longer be made entirely autonomously; further, healthy couples embrace this process as part of self- discovery.

This is not, however, to be confused with "blending selves," or an unhealthy enmeshment. Enmeshment occurs when two selves become one emotionally -- there is no more "you" and "me"; there is only "we." This is when the internal boundaries -- the boundaries around our thoughts and feelings -- become compromised. It may be difficult to know your own feelings separate from your partner's (or mother's or brother's or roommate's or colleague's), or to form any opinion without checking in with the other. This becomes problematic when one or both partners find themselves conforming their thoughts and feelings to the other's in order to avoid the anxiety and conflict that may come from experiencing different and even irreconcilable thoughts and feelings in the same intimate relationship. It is normal to expect to be influenced in thought and feeling by your partner, but it is important to know where your thought or feeling ends and your partner's influence on you begins. It is imperative that you feel comfortable stating your thought or feeling even if it conflicts with your partner's, and that the two of you can negotiate this anxiety constructively.

Interdependence vs. enmeshment can be particularly confusing for the Christian couple that strives to "become one" in marriage. How can you be united as one, yet still separate? The biblical image of "iron sharpening iron" in relationship requires two people with fully formed and separate selves to be constantly in dialogue, balancing the tension between, as Bader and Pearson (1977) have described, we's need for intimacy with each individual's need for autonomy. This friction is what keeps us sharp; meaning it keeps us separate in a healthy way.

This tension, in fact, is normal and is one way of understanding the "undulations" of relationships over time. However, much of this is unconscious, which can mean it is confusing and even scary at times. Couples therapy frequently focuses on attempting to make this unconscious process conscious, with the goal of helping a couple feel united by drawing energy and synergy from learning to negotiate the differences.

You may benefit from some sound premarital counseling with a qualified therapist. He or she can help you and your fiancÈ understand the tension between "we" and "I" in your own unique and special relationship. Some basic reading in boundaries (such as the Cloud and Townsend series) may also help you understand how you have been impacted by this relationship.

Who is our Therapist?
Joanne Weidman, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and former "Development-girl". A graduate of PennStateUniversity and Fuller Theological Seminary, she is on staff at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena. Email Joanne with questions or comments at joanneweidman@yahoo.com